Punk Rock Legolas: Lube
by eltonadams
Summary: Legolas decides it's time for a change.
1. A sudden desire

_Author: _Elton Adams

_Rating:_ PG-13

_Disclaimer_: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or the characters within it. I am not legitimately associated with LoTR in any legitimate way. I am not profiting from this in any other currency than amusement.

_Summary:_ Legolas decides it's time for a change.

Chapter 1: A sudden desire

------------------------------

The Fellowship sat around the fire, unwinding from their long day of travel and trying to regain some vital energy for the next day they faced. The Hobbits slumped together in a pile. Gandalf sat with his pipe, looking deep into the fire. Gimli, Boromir, and Aragorn examined their weapons, trying constantly to keep them in good, fighting condition. Legolas leaned back against a log, but unlike the other members of the Fellowship, he was not exhausted. In fact, there seemed to be an energy about him, a pent-up restlessness that none of the others seem to possess. He glanced from one member to the next, taking a moment to look over each. The silence seemed to stretch on eternally, until Legolas finally stood and spoke, "I've decided that I am going to gauge my ears!"

It took a moment for the statement to register with anyone, but eventually one by one they looked up. Confusion of all kinds spread across their faces. The silence continued as if it had never been interrupted, then Gandalf spoke, "Why the sudden interest in gauging your ears, Legolas?"

"Actually, I have been thinking about it for quite sometime, and I've finally decided that this will be the best time if any," Legolas shrugged.

Pippin stirred from his resting place as his confusion grew, "What is 'guaging', Gandalf?"

"Gauging, my dear Pereguin is when... Um, how could I explain? It's an aesthetic---" Gandalf smoked his pipe.

"Gauging is one of the most stylish things a young elf could do with himself today," Legolas said definitively.

"... Stylish? ... Aesthetic?" Pippin questioned, but was cut short by Gandalf.

"Oh, Legolas. Are you doing this to be part of a fad?!" Gandalf shook his head.

"Well, not exact---"

"Legolas, you shouldn't be changing who you are just to fit in with a younger crowd of elves. You know that!" Aragorn chided. Boromir nodded in agreement.

"I'm not! Really, it's something I've been wanting to do for a long---"

"Last time I came home from battle, all of the younger men were doing this ridiculous thing with needles and ink... They actually were poking them selves with these grimy needles over and over again and calling it "artistic expression"! It was awful! It was called... tattooing," Boromir cut in, with another nod of his head.

"But that's not what this is... You guys, I really have wanted to do this!" Legolas explained, but no one was listening. Boromir was continuing on about other "dumb fads" he had "missed out" on while he had been away during times of battle. Aragorn was listening half-heartily to his friend, now and again nodding and half-heartily agreeing. Gandalf was shaking his head and taking long drags of his pipe, grumbling to himself about young people and their ridiculous ways. The only ones who were still paying any attention to Legolas at all was the Hobbits, especially Pippin, who had no idea what an "aesthetic" was.

"How are you going to gauge your ears, Legolas?" Merry asked.

The Hobbits waited intently for an answer. Legolas took a breath, "Well... I am going to simply insert objects into my ear lobes from the smallest I can find to larger, until the holes in my ear lobes grow..." Legolas watched the faces of the Hobbits hoping that the explanation was enough to quell their curiosity, but not enough to upset or disgust them. Judging by their expression, he figured he had done a pretty good job.

"You haven't even holes in your ears yet, elfboy!" Gimli chimed. He had stayed quiet for as long as he could manage, and he felt now was the time to get his rebuttals in.

Boromir, Aragorn, and Gandalf all rejoined the conversation, interested to hear how Legolas was going to propose how to handle this. "Well... That's where Aragorn comes in!" Legolas said quickly, turning toward Aragorn with a smile.

"What?! What do you mean that's where I come in?! What are you talking about?!" While Aragorn was okay being an innocent bystander to this oncoming olephant wreck that Legolas was running toward, he was not comfortable taking an active role in the disaster.

Legolas took a moment, deciding how best to approach this. "Well, you are a Ranger aren't you?" he challenged.

"Well, yes, but..."

"One of the best in all of Middle Earth?"

"Well, of course, but..."

"Well, then you should have no problem in shooting an arrow through each of my ear lobes!" Legolas said dramatically, with a toss of his hair. Surely, Aragorn would not turn down a challenge like this, he thought. But rather than stirring the Ranger into a mode of defense, Legolas has just stirred everyone else. Galdalf stared shocked. The Hobbits gasped and quickly began to whisper about themselves. Boromir let out several laughs of surprise, and Aragorn nearly choked.

"This is no real Rangers!" Gimli stood and shouted.

The rest of the Fellowship turned their attention toward Gimli. "What talk is this?!" Gandalf exclaimed.

"What I meant, uh," Gimli sighed.. "Treating dangerous weapons lightly and in jest is not something that a... real Ranger would do. Real Rangers treat their weapons with respect and handle them skillfully!" Gimli added finally.

"But what could show more skill?" Merry chimed in, innocently. "Legolas' ear is small and far way... It seems like it would take a lot of skill."

The other Hobbits nodded with Merry in agreement. Everyone turned to Aragorn. They were silent.

"Well, Aragorn," Legolas finally spoke, "will you stand up to the test?"


	2. Ready, aim!

Author: Elton Adams

Pairing: None yet established

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or the characters within it. I am not legitimately associated with LoTR in any legitimate way. I am not profiting from this in any other currency than amusement.

Summary: Legolas decides it's time for a change.

Chapter 2: Ready, aim...

------------------------------

Aragorn had decided that he could not deny to test his skill, regardless of how "un-Ranger-like", according to the adamant protests of Gimli, he would be acting. So the Hobbits, Gimli, Gandalf, Boromir, and Aragorn stood by the fire, in the clearing. Legolas stood with his back against his tree some feet off from them.

"Are you sure you want to do this tonight?" Pippin asked.

"I agree with Pippin," Sam yelled to Legolas, "it is getting a bit dark!"

"Um, I think it... should be okay," being in the position Legolas was in now, he was beginning to second guess his decision. Still, he did not want to appear as if he were backing out, especially after all it took to convince the others of his certainty. "Right, Aragorn? You can make the shot, I'm sure..."

"Oh yes, I- I can," Aragorn shook his head, then nodded. Legolas began to feel queasy. "Now, um, hold still," Aragorn raised his bow.

Legolas closed his eyes. He heard the whoosh of the arrow in the air.

"You moved!" Boromir screamed. "This was your bloody idea, and you moved!"

Legolas opened his eyes, and realized he had ducked. The arrow was sticking into the tree above him.

"Um, no. No. No!" Legolas stood quickly, flipping his hair behind his ears. "I was... just making sure that my hair was not blocking my ear. Placement is the most important thing in a modification like this, you realize."

Boromir begin to laugh. The Hobbits took turns chiding him politely, telling him that Legolas seemed to know so much about "gauging" and "aesthetic", and the he should take Legolas' advice as that of an expert.

Aragorn raised his arrow again. Legolas placed himself against the tree once more. Everyone held their breaths. After a long moment of silence, Aragorn shot. The arrow whooshed through the air once more, and to everyone's joy, yet surprise. Landed perfectly in Legolas' ear.

Legolas stayed very still, his ear lobe throbbed, he could feel a wetness collecting around the side of his head. But, it was nothing he could not handle, so he waited for Boromir to come and break the arrow and guide it from his ear.

He stood back at the tree, and Aragorn aimed and fired. Again, it was dead on. Amazingly, this ridiculous endeavor is actually going well, Aragorn thought. Boromir again took the arrow from Legolas' ear lobe, but this time he stayed, and with help from Aragorn guided the slightly dizzy Legolas back to the fire.


	3. Pretty please

Author: Elton Adams

Pairing: None yet established

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or the characters within it. I am not legitimately associated with LoTR in any legitimate way. I am not profiting from this in any other currency than amusement.

Summary: Legolas decides it's time for a change.

a/n: A section of text in this chapter is a spoofed/adlibed version of dialogue that can be seen in the middle of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I think it is pretty obvious which one. Obviously, I do not own any rights to the Lord of the Rings scripts as I do not own anything else in the Lord of the Rings books/movies.

Chapter 3: Pretty please

------------------------------

Quite some time had passed since "the incident" had occured.

Legolas was on a strict regiment of herbal pain relievers and anaestetics, provided by the Hobbits. Gimli had taken a vow of silence, refusing to speak to "such scrounges" who promoted "such un-Ranger like behavoir." Aragorn and Boromir tried not to gape at the still bloodied, constantly swollen holes in Legolas' ears. Gandalf was at a total loss for the first few days, for what may have been the first time in his long life.

He convinced himself that all would be well, and forgotten, like it should be. Legolas would stop this foolishness, his ears would heal, and with time, the mental trauma that they all had acquired that night could possibly heal aswell. He told himself, "This too shall pass, and when a new day comes, Legolas' ears will shine out the clearer." Until one evening, sitting around the campfire yet again, hopped up on some leafy concoction, Legolas spoke.

"I think... it's time," Legolas said meaningfully.

The hobbits looked up immediately. Pippin wiggled anxiously in his seat on the ground, fairly certain the time had finally come for his many questions about aesthetic and the mysterious lives of trendy young elves would finally be answered. Gimli was too far off at this point to hear, having segregated himself far from the rest of the Fellowship, at his own personal fire. Aragorn glanced nervously at Boromir, who pretended not to be listening. Gandalf felt tears well in his eyes.

"Time for what?!" Merry asked, enthralled. Pippin hung on his every word.

"It's time... to guage!" Legolas said definitively.

"Well, bless me lil' Hobbit feet!" Sam exclaimed. "How're we going to do that?"

"Like I explained to you before, Sam. All I do is take objects from smaller to larger and use them to elongate my earlobe holes," Legolas said.

"But what with, Legolas? What are we going to use?!" Frodo asked reverently. The Hobbits were truely dazzled my Legolas' smarts when it came to all things elf-ish, trendy, and hip. When not at Legolas' side treating his swounds or brewing pain medication, they circled around, discussing excitedly amoungst themselves what chic "aesthetic" Legolas would discover next, and whether or not Legolas would let them join in. 'Legolas is our friend,' Frodo had concluded. 'He would want only the best aesthetic for us, too!'

"I have the perfect thing in mind," Legolas nodded. He turned slowly toward Boromir. "Boromir," Legolas began, "Boromir, do you think I could see your Horn of Gondor for a moment, please?"

Boromir looked up, a fit of horror across his face. "My Horn of Gondor!" he exclaimed. "You... you... wouldn't! You just couldn't! Not with my Horn of Gondor!" His voice was shrill, tears flooded his eyes, as he clutched his precious Horn at his side.

... Everyone was momentarilly jarred by the outburst. Gandalf followed as tears too welled in his eyes, although he managed to remain much more controlled than Boromir. Aragorn was still recovering from the shock of the outburst, ontop of recovering the sudden shock of finding Boromir suddenly on his shoulder, muttering about "that evil, horrible elf" and "his precious Horn of Gondor."

---

It took nearly all night for the Hobbits to finally convince Boromir to let Legolas use his Horn. During that time, Boromir had joined Gimli at the other fire. Aragorn joined Boromir at Gimli's fire. Gimli begrudged Aragorn for being "such an un-Rangerly sod" and both he and Boromir for stealing his heat with their "freakish largeness". Boromir crying and clinging to Aragorn again. Aragorn trying to defend his friend's honor by punting the dwarf across the feild. Gandalf finally becoming angry in such an un-wizardly manner, he thwacked them all with his staff and put the second fire out.

"Stupid humans stealing all of my warmth," Gimli muttered.

"What was that?!" Aragorn stood his hands at his shoulders in the classic "what?! what?!" gesture.

"Shut up, un-Ranger!" Gimli gestured back.

"Silence!" Gandalf bellowed. All fell quiet.

Gimli hung his head, "Stupid, ancient un-Wizard."

Gandalf sighed and shook his head. He was the most ancie-, elderl-, sagely of the Fellowship. How could he not solve this one problem? How could he not chart a course through this forest of madness? He turned to each of the Fellowship exhasperatedly, eventually settling on the homely face of Sam. "Why are you crying young Samwise Gamgee?" he ventured.

"If only Boromir would share his Horn of Gondor, everyone would be happy," Sam wiped a tear from his cheek. "Legolas would be the chic young elf he truely is... on the_ inside_, Mr. Gandalf. And Boromir would get is Horn back! Legolas does not want to keep it forever. It's a great style, Mr. Gandalf, one that's really trendy. Full of dapper and elegance, it is. And sometimes you don't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could style go back to the way it was when so much coolness had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing, this ---"

"Alright, alright, alright!" Gandalf raised his hand. He didn't need to hear all of this now. An epic monolgue about... elvish fashion. He was truely growing weary of all of this.

"Boromir, please, give Legolas your Horn," Gandalf finally begged.

Boromir was once again tearful and, to Aragorn's dismay, once again in his fellow human's arms. Aragorn wondered at the current insanity of his friend, wondered if these tears were still products of of his love for the Horn of Gondor, or if he had acutally been moved by the Hobbit's speech. Aragorn decided that some things are best not to know. After a sniffle, Boromir handed the Horn of Gondor over.


	4. Not as easy as it looks

Author: Elton Adams

Pairing: None yet established

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or the characters within it. I am not legitimately associated with LoTR in any legitimate way. I am not profiting from this in any other currency than amusement.

Summary: Legolas decides it's time for a change.

Chapter 4: Not as easy as it looks...

------------------------------

Legolas sat on a log, the Hobbits in a semi-circle around him. Gimli sat with his back away from the fire, turning every now and then to ensure his hair had not caught flames. Aragorn held the barely-responsive Boromir. Gandalf hung his head. This felt like one very, very long night.

The Hobbits were jubilated by the procurement of the Horn of Gondor, especially Sam, who felt particularly pleased with himself, as this had proven that he had perfectly honned ability to look cute and disheartened to get what he wanted. Legolas rubbed various congealed, leafy substances on the Horn, until he guessed, it would glide easily through his ear. After a few moments he placed the smaller tip of the Horn to his ear and pushed.

... But nothing happened. Infact, his earlobe had put up so much resistance, Legolas' hand ended up giving first, effectively smacking himself across his face. He shook off the shock and tired again... and again... but everytime Legolas tried he ended up with the same result.

He laughed lightly in embarrassment, but quickly noticed that no one was watching him, save the Hobbits, who were too star-struck to realize that Legolas had no idea of what he was doing. He thought for a moment, and it occured to him, "Would you like to help me, my little friends?" Legolas flashed a sweet grin in return for them shaking their heads emphatically "yes". "Great! This is what I need you to do. I am going to lay with my back to the ground and the Horn of Gondor against my ear. Two of you will hold my ear away from my head, over the ground. The other two will work in turns slowly pushing the Horn through my ear."

Legolas and the Hobbits got into position. Sam and Frodo held Legolas' ear out. Merry and Pippin were in charge of working the Horn into his earlobe hole. Taking turns Merry and Pippin pushed the Hord of Gondor down. The process was slow. At the strength Merry and Pippin held by themselves, the pushes were doing little to nothing. Often, when some progress had been made, it would be undone when they transferred positions, the Horn sliding out of Legolas' ear nearly completely. Merry and Pippin began to get frustrated.

Normally none of the Hobbits would have ever directly gone against something Legolas said, especially in a feild like fashion, where Legolas was an obvious expert, but they were getting extremely bored and frustrated. Merry and Pippin decided they wanted to get the job done quickly for two reasons: one, they wanted to go play a new game, and 2) the process was taking too long, they really wanted some result soon. So, during one shove, rather than Merry handing the job over to Pippin, the two took a go at it at the same time.

"AHHHHH!" Legolas shreiked, sitting up. He felt at his ear. The Horn of Gondor was entirely in, and it had all been done in one shot.

He felt his ear again. He could not believe it. Gauged to nealy 6 inches across, and all in the first day. Legolas began to giggle, then to chuckle, then he began a full out fit of laughter.

The Hobbits had jumped back at the strange reactions Legolas was emitting. "Why is he laughing?" Merry asked, hiding behind Pippin "Gandalf, Gandalf why is he laughing?!"

"I'm laughing..." Legolas laughed. "I'm laughing... because I don't want to cry."

After some moments of hysteria, he laid back down, positioning himself so the Hobbits could better work the other side. In one foul swoop, the Horn of Gondor was in the other earlobe hole.

Legolas did not laugh. He merely swooned from pain and endorphins. He lie on the ground, barely noticing when Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, and the Hobbits helped carry him to his bed. 'He is our friend and fellow after all.' Aragorn told himself. 'Despite his insanity, without him we would be lost in ways we would not even be able to imag--- Oh, sod it.'

It was going to be an even longer night.


End file.
